Resilience: you and your child are stronger than you think

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人生总有波澜起伏,这也是每个孩子必经的成长过程。
孩子可能会面临生活中的逆境,比如经历人际冲突、挫折失败;不幸遭遇意外变故、灾难导致的家庭破碎、贫病交加;或者身受家暴虐待、校园霸凌等。
此时,徬徨迷失的感觉与强烈的情绪波潮特别容易翻涌而上,无助的孩子可能感到焦虑害怕或愤怒失控,继而形成一股往下陷落的牵引力量。
心理学研究发现,每个孩子的内心深处都有一股生机畅旺的坚韧性。
不仅蕴藏浩瀚无穷的天赋生命潜能,更具有类似气垫的弹性功能,可以反作用那股随着压力或困境袭来而往下陷落的力量,这种需要时间持续发展的心灵气垫功能,在心理学上称为复原力。
电影侏罗纪公园(Jurassic Park)中有句名言:“生命会自行找寻出路”。在逆境中求生存原本就是生物的本能;人类历史中,能够克服生命中的危机与压力,也有不少成功的典范,而其中的关键所在,就是复原力的发展。
孩子若能发展复原力以应对生活问题,其情绪困扰将能有效降低,还能够专心致力于成功的学习。因此,增进孩子的复原力,不仅对其快乐成长有所助益,更是提升学习效果的重要资产。

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曾文志教授一直致力于正向心理学与复原力的研究。曾教授撰写此文旨在提供教育工作者和家长一些关键策略,协助孩子发展不畏阻碍的勇气与希望,以及克服困境的思维与方法,促使孩子在面对逆境之际能够产生反作用的力量,走向复原之路。
曾文志:美国堪萨斯州立大学(Kansas State University)谘商与教育心理学系博士,台湾清华大学教育心理与谘商学系教授。1879计划暨中国心理咨询师继续教育标准建设项目讲师。
逆境中,你可以改变未来
首先,帮助孩子认识复原力的概念,以及了解复原力可以如何帮助我们度过生命难关,进而启发孩子建立“逆境中,你可以改变未来”的想法,是一个很重要的开始。
根据心理学的定义,复原力是指经历了创伤、悲痛、威胁、或重大压力源,却能够维持良好的适应过程。许多研究发现,个人、家庭及社会环境资源等各层面,都存在着影响复原力的保护因子。因此学校教育也在其中扮演重要角色。
每个人都曾经历过逆境与挫折,有些人会被压力击垮,最终出现了严重的心理症状;有些人则能够适应得很好,展现自己的能力,并拥有健康的心理。
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研究显示,这结果的差异,往往不在于个人的运气,而在于不同的行为、思想及行动。英国首相邱吉尔(Winston S. Churchill)相信:“乐观的人在每个困难里看到了机会;悲观的人在每个机会里看到了困难。”
一个念头或一个行动的差异,往往会使你的人生大不相同。虽然现实环境不是一个人所能完全掌握,但一个人的行为、信念、以及真正的行动,却能够影响情势的发展。
“成功者皆是起而行的行动派,他会寻找有利的情势,如果找不到,那就创造它”,英国戏剧大师萧伯纳(George Bernard Shaw)说:“生命,并不是关于寻找你自己,而是关于创造你自己。”付诸行动的人也许不一定会成功,但没有行动的人,就永远也没有证明自己的机会了。
记得台湾的九二一大地震、美国纽约的九一一恐怖攻击事件、以及日本311大地震,这些人类的浩劫,造成无数家庭破碎与财产损失。但“即使在最黑暗的日子,生命仍然延续”,这是美国总统奥巴马今年在探视戏院枪击血案幸存者时曾经说过的话。

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因为灾难过后,人类往往能够积极地展现生命的复原力。当各界的支援蜂拥而至,受难者的创伤身心受到了抚慰,即使他们的生命已产生了剧变,无法回到从前,但所有的努力都有一个一致的希望,就是期盼着大家早日走向复原之路。
复原力是一种可以学习、发展及增强的行为、思想和行动。许多研究显示,影响复原力的主要因素即是拥有人们的关怀与支持,包括家人、朋友或师长,可以提供角色模范,给予勇气和信心,创造爱与信任。
除此之外,与复原力有关的因素还包括一些个人特质,例如:具备规划与行动的能力、对自我有正向观点、肯定自己的长处、培养沟通与解决问题的技能,以及情绪管理的能力。
由此可见,复原力来自于平常的人性发挥,而不是一种特异功能。许多从灾难中复原的人,既不是聪明绝顶的天才,也不是万能无敌的超人。他们只是一群对生命负责的无名英雄。因此,每个平凡人都可以,都可以挑战不平凡的处境。
在迈向复原之路的起点上,我们要给予孩子这种初步的体认,让孩子了解人类所具有的弹性,以及运用愈多的复原力,虽然无法阻止困厄发生,但却能够使我们更加强壮、更有能力去化解生活难题。
帮助孩子建构复原力的六项策略
许多人也许会以为,从逆境中复原的人,不是他所经历过的困难比较少,就是他比别人来得幸运。然而,“百分之八十的成功例子,纯粹只是因为坚持展现。”这是美国导演伍迪艾伦(Woody Allen)的名言。
复原力是一种需要时间与努力的适应过程,而不是一个人非有即无的特质。因此,任何人都可以学习和发展复原力。每个孩子生命中所遭遇的危机各不相同,因应的方式也会有所差异。
建构复原力没有一套标准的程序,而是应该运用多样化、适合孩子与情境的策略,帮助孩子从逆境中复原。以下提供六项预防性的策略可以融入教学中,指导孩子及早发展复原力,以面对日益快速变迁的复杂社会。
1.照顾自己,管好自己
复原力是一段需要时间与努力的适应历程,保持健全的心智与活力来帮助自己处理困境是很重要的。我们可以教导孩子,不管在任何逆境中都要照顾好自己。规律的日常作息、充足的睡眠与休息、适当的运动、以及营养均衡的饮食,可以使自身保持活力。
如果不幸的事件影响到情绪而感到压力,教导孩子安排一些有益身心的嗜好或活动,例如,写日记、冥想、运动、或参与社团活动,可帮助自己放松心情。
此外,让孩子了解,逃避压力并无法解决问题,先冷静下来思考,往往就能发现问题所在;而愈能管好自己的情绪与行为,则愈能感受到自己的能力。
2.结交知己,建立友谊
找朋友聊天往往可以帮助自己舒缓情绪,厘清问题;助朋友一臂之力通常可以让自己感到快乐,甚或领悟到自己的痛苦可能不算什么。
因此,教导孩子如何结交朋友,包括培养同理心的技巧、主动帮助他人、热心服务、担任志工等,将可避免在学校感到孤立,而有助于孩子拓展其社会网络,以及和亲近的家人、朋友或其他人建立良好的关系。
在孩子处于逆境的时候,那些关心孩子和愿意倾听孩子的人,都可以提供支持与协助,帮助孩子走向复原之路。
3.放宽视野,往好处想
导引孩子避免把危机看作一种无法克服的问题,也是建构复原力的重要一环。孩子往往无法阻止重大变故的发生,但是,其可以改变的却是对这个变故的诠释与反应。
教导孩子就算是面临极度痛苦的事件,也要尝试从整体的背景,而不是事情的片段或表象,来取决自己的认知。要求孩子多方搜集信息与资源,不要让思想与行为受到制约。
为什么不幸会发生在我身上?这种意义的寻求是必然的。所以辅导孩子必须先学习捕捉自己的想法和感觉,分析处于逆境中,自己怎么想?有什么感觉?把它写下来检视一番,往往可以帮助孩子自我评估,自己是悲观或乐观的人。
乐观的展望会使孩子期待好事发生。导引孩子试着在心里想象自己想要的,而不要过于担心自己所害怕的。毕竟可以解决的问题不必担心,不可以解决的事情,担心也没用。
希望的价值在于驱使孩子有前进的动力。引导孩子处理困难情境的时候尽量往好处想,可避免自己将危机看作无法克服的问题,当孩子认为天下无难事的时候,就可能得到化险为夷的动机与勇气。
4.相信自己,有所作为
灾难、不幸、挫折与失败,往往容易使人否定自己而自暴自弃。然而,在逆境中,对自己有正向的看法却是很重要的。教孩子不要把焦点放在自己的不完美上,而把焦点放在自己的长处上,孩子将能够拥有更多的自信。
一个身体不好的人可能拥有绘画的天赋,一个家境贫穷的人可能拥有极好的领导能力,一个容貌平凡的人可能拥有一颗正直善良的心。
鼓励孩子不因为某方面的不完美而否定自己,学习透过培养幽默感,能够自我解嘲,忠于自己,并且尽力去发挥自己拥有的美德与长处,往往能够帮助自己成功适应生活,而从逆境中复原。
5.面对难关,从中学习
逃避压力并非解决之道,碰到问题光说不练,也是没有用的。思想加上行动等于后果。在逆境中,有不畏困难的想法之外,还要导引孩子尽所能地行动,才能帮助自己走向复原之路,以及帮助孩子学习根据自己过去适应成功的经验。
搜集相关有用的资源与信息,配合自己的长处与技能,做出决定性的行动。
人类的认知与潜能是需要经过开发的。也许刚开始在逆境中的孩子是手足无措的,但如果导引孩子将每个困境都视为在挑战你的潜能,每个危机都视为学习的机会,那么孩子的潜能就可能被激发出来,也可能从中得到学习与成长。
许多人在失去之后,才懂得珍惜拥有;在受到创伤之后,才懂得什么是重要的事;在付出努力之后,才发现自我的价值。在逆境中开发自己的潜能,可以帮助孩子去发展良好的人际关系、增广对生命的认识,提高更完善的灵性。
6.接受改变,不怕重来
人会变,环境会变,政经社会情势也会改变。改变是生态的本质,也是生活的一部分。导引孩子学习接受改变,尤其是接受无法挽回的改变,可以帮助孩子走向复原之路。改变未必不是一件好事,改变可以带来契机。
接受无法改变的情况,把焦点放在可以改变的地方。尽管改变使平静的生活起了波澜,可能造成人事全非,但是只要体认到改变是生活的一部分,有了面对改变的勇气,就能够使孩子调整生活的脚步与重新规划人生的目标,而在新的环境中得到良好的适应。
文章来源:中国教育研究
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We strive to adhere to the original and selected, in line with the concept of positive education and child development psychology. Is your most trusted professional parenting education platform.
There are always ups and downs in life, which is every child must grow.
The child may face the life of adversity, such as interpersonal conflict, setbacks and failures; unfortunate accident, disaster caused by broken families, or abuse, domestic violence was plagued by poverty and ill health; bullying etc..
At this point, the feeling of loss and the loss of a strong wave of emotion is particularly easy to turn up, helpless children may feel anxious fear or anger out of control, and then form a downward force of traction.
Psychological studies have found that each child’s heart has a strong vitality and tenacity.
Not only is the infinite vastness of the talent life potential, elastic function has more similar air cushion, can affect the stock with the pressure or trouble hit and fall down the power, this need time to the sustainable development of the air cushion function in mind, psychology is called resilience.
Park Jurassic Park (Jurassic), there is a famous saying: life will find their own way out. It is a biological instinct to survive in adversity. In human history, it is possible to overcome the crisis and pressure in life, and there are many successful examples.
If the child can develop resilience to deal with life problems, the emotional distress will be effectively reduced, but also can concentrate on the success of learning. Therefore, to enhance the resilience of the child, not only to help their happy growth, but also to enhance the learning effect of important assets.
Professor Ceng Wenzhi has been devoted to the study of positive psychology and resilience. Professor Zeng wrote this article aims to provide some key strategies for educators and parents to help children not hinder development, courage and hope, and the thinking and methods to overcome the difficulties, the children in the face of adversity comes to produce reaction force, the road towards recovery.
Ceng Wenzhi: (Kansas State University) Department of counseling and educational psychology, National Tsinghua University, Professor of educational psychology and counseling. 1879 program and Chinese psychological counselors continuing education standards construction project lecturer.
In adversity, you can change the future
First of all, to help children understand the concept of resilience, and resilience can do to help us through life difficulties, and inspire children to establish the face of adversity, you can change the future idea, is a very important start.
According to the definition of psychology, resilience refers to the process of experiencing the trauma, grief, threat, or major stressors, but can maintain a good adaptation process. Many studies have found that there are many factors that affect the resilience of the individual, family and social environment resources. Therefore, school education plays an important role.
Everyone has experienced adversity and setbacks, some people will be overwhelmed by the pressure, and finally the emergence of serious psychological symptoms; some people can adapt well, to show their ability, and have a healthy mind.
The results of the study show that the difference is often not in the individual’s luck, but in different behaviors, thoughts and actions. British Prime Minister Churchill (Winston S. Churchill): the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty; the pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity.
The difference between an idea or an action often makes a difference in your life. Although the reality is not a person can fully grasp, but a person’s behavior, beliefs, and real action, but can affect the development of the situation.
Success is the act of action, he will find the favorable situation, if not, then create it, the British drama master Bernard Shaw (George Bernard Shaw) said: life is not about finding yourself, but on your own creation. Those who act may not always be successful, but those who do not have the opportunity to prove themselves.
Remember the 921 earthquake in Taiwan, the United States, New York, the terrorist attacks of the 911, as well as Japan’s top 311 earthquakes, these human catastrophe, resulting in numerous families broken and property losses. But even in the darkest days, life still continues, this is president Obama in the theater shooting massacre survivors when visiting once said.
Because of the disaster, humans are often able to actively show the resilience of life. When all the victims of the stampede in support, physical and mental trauma by comfort, even if their life has been greatly changed, unable to return to the past, but all efforts to have a consistent hope, is looking forward to you as soon as possible to restore the road.
Resilience is an act, thought, and action that can be learned, developed and enhanced. Many studies have shown that the main factor affecting the resilience is to have people’s care and support, including family, friends or teachers, can provide role models, courage and confidence to create love and trust.
In addition, factors associated with resiliency include some personal characteristics, such as: with action and planning ability, to have a positive view of self, certainly their strengths, to improve the communication skills and problem-solving ability, and emotional management.
Thus, the resilience comes from the normal human nature, rather than a specific function. Many people recover from the disaster, neither a smart genius, nor is it omnipotent superman. They’re just a bunch of unsung heroes. Therefore, every ordinary person can, can challenge the extraordinary situation.
The starting point on the road to recovery, we should give children the preliminary understanding, let the children understand the human has the elasticity, and the use of more resilient, although not stop but distress occurs, can make us stronger and more ability to resolve the difficult problem of life.
Six strategies to help children build resilience
Many people may think that the man who has recovered from adversity is not less experienced than he is, but he is luckier than others. However, eighty percent of the success stories are purely because of persistence. This is the famous American director Woody Alan (Woody Allen).
Resilience is an adaptive process that requires time and effort, rather than a person who has no or nothing. Therefore, anyone can learn and develop resilience. The crisis in each child’s life is different, and the coping style is different.
There is no standard procedure for building resilience, but rather the use of a variety of strategies that are appropriate for children and situations to help children recover from adversity. Here are six preventive strategies that can be integrated into teaching to guide children to develop resilience as soon as possible, in order to face the increasingly complex and rapidly changing society.
1 take care of yourself
The resilience is a process of time and effort, and it is important to maintain a healthy mind and energy to help you deal with the situation. We can teach our children to take care of themselves in any adversity. Regular routines, adequate sleep and rest, proper exercise, and a balanced diet can keep you alive.
If the unfortunate events affect the mood and feel the pressure, teach children to arrange some wholesome hobbies or activities, for example, journaling, meditation, exercise, or participate in community activities, can help relax.
In addition, let the children know, to escape the pressure and can not solve the problem, first calm down thinking, often can find the problem; and the more able to manage their emotions and behavior, the more can feel their ability.
2 make friends and build friendships
Looking for a friend to chat can often help to ease their emotions, to clarify the problem; to help a friend can usually make themselves feel happy, or even understand their own pain may not be what.
Therefore, to teach children how to make friends, including empathy training skills, take the initiative to help others, enthusiastic service, volunteer, will not feel isolated at school, and help children to expand their social networks, and close family members, friends or other people to establish a good relationship.
In the face of adversity, those who care about their children and are willing to listen to the child, can provide support and assistance to help children recover the road.
3 broaden your horizons and think of the good
Guiding children to avoid the crisis as an insurmountable problem, but also an important part of building resilience. Children often can not prevent the occurrence of major changes, but it can change the interpretation and response to this incident.
Teach your child that even in a situation of extreme pain, try to focus on your own perception of the overall context, not the fragment or the appearance of the thing. Ask the child to collect information and resources, do not let the mind and behavior constraints.
Why don’t you happen to me? The search for meaning is inevitable. So counseling children must learn to capture their own thoughts and feelings, analysis in adversity, how do you think? How do you feel? Write it down and look at it. It can often help children to assess themselves.
An optimistic outlook can make a child expect good things to happen. Guide your child to try to imagine what you want in your heart, not to worry too much about what you are afraid of. After all, the problem can not be solved, can not solve the problem, worry is useless.
The value of hope is to drive the child forward. When handling difficult situations to guide the children to the benefit of the doubt, can avoid the crisis as their will can not overcome the problem, when nothing is difficult for the children that they may get the motivation and courage to change danger into safety.
4 believe in yourself, make a difference
Disaster, misfortune, frustration and failure, often make people deny themselves and give up on themselves. However, in the face of adversity, it is important to have a positive view of yourself. Teach children not to focus on their own imperfections, and focus on their strengths, the child will be able to have more self-confidence.
A person who is in poor health may have the gift of painting. A poor person may have excellent leadership skills. A person who looks ordinary may have a kind heart.
Encourage children not because certain aspects of the imperfect and deny their own learning through a sense of humor and being able to laugh at yourself, be yourself, and try to play their own strengths and virtues, often can help you successfully adapt to life, and recover from adversity.
5 in the face of difficulties, learn from
Avoiding stress is not the solution. It is no use to run into a problem without saying a word. Thought and action are consequences. In the face of adversity, not afraid of difficulties, but also to guide the child to do everything possible to help themselves to the road to recovery, as well as to help children learn to adapt to their own past experience of success.

Collect relevant resources and information, with their own strengths and skills, make decisive action.
Human cognition and potential need to be developed. Perhaps the beginning in the face of adversity in children is helpless, but if the child will guide each dilemma as a challenge to your potential, every crisis as an opportunity to learn, then the child’s potential may be excited, may also get to learn and grow from.
Many people have lost, only know how to cherish possession; after the trauma, only to understand what is important; in the effort, only to find the value of self. In the face of adversity to develop their own potential, can help children develop good interpersonal relationships, increase awareness of life, improve the integrity of the spirit.

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